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IF ONLY (a dedication to my mother)

Article of the website marlene adlit, created on: 10/15/2010 6:44:59 PM

By: MARLENE ADLIT | Published: 15/10/2010 18:50 | | | Content:1

          I was walking along a dark empty street when flashes of memories crossed my mind. Indeed, time flies so fast. Days change as hasty as we flip the pages of a book. Time is something so precious which we should value and give importance to. Time is something that we could not take back once it was lost.

 

          My mom will be celebrating her sixtieth birthday on the 28th day of October. But she wouldnt be around. Almost a year ago she died of heart attack and multiple organ failure.  She expired fifteen days after her fifty ninth birthday.

 

          Its been a year, yet I dont know how I was able to survive the days knowing that she wouldnt be coming back anymore. I always think of the happy moments I had with her, still the incidence of the last sixteen hours of my life with her keeps coming back on my mind like a ray of light that flickers in the sky.

 

          I clearly remembered how her illness caused her so much pain and suffering. The vision of those machines and other equipments that almost broke down her body, the respirators, oxygen tank, catheter and needles are among the nightmares that keep on haunting me. They are like ghosts floating in the air.

 

          It had been very traumatic not just to me and to my siblings but to my father as well. That last sixteen hour roller coaster event shadowed all the supposed happy times I had with her. What I know is that, I wasnt ready to lose her. I came to a point wherein Im willing to trade everything and anything within my power just to keep her alive. But still, I cannot compete with God. And I cannot question his will. So thy will be done.

 

          A year had passed, and we celebrated all the important occasions without her for the first time. We cried on our first Christmas and New Year away from her, because she was not with us. We dont felt like celebrating at all. But we have to; because we know that it was what she wanted. Also, the celebration of mother's day struck me. I was able to say "happy mother's day Ma", I hope you're happy wherever you are. I shed a river of tears knowing that the person I was supposed to greet was no longer there. Another one was when I celebrated my first birthday without her. It was very frustrating and disappointing because no one greeted me the moment I woke up to say happy birthday, because shes not there. Shes no longer around. It just then I realized that indeed shes gone, and she wouldnt be coming back anymore. Undeniably, reality bites and it hurts so much. It squeezes and rips my heart out. Words are not enough to describe the twinge and pain I felt inside my heart.

 

          Despite and in spite of the pain, I know for a fact that on the 12th day of November we have to move forward to the new chapter of our lives.  The pain, sadness, frustration and regrets will always be there. But we have to bear in mind that our lives did not end as our mothers life ended. But we are human and we are not formidable that is why we cannot shield and protect ourselves from all the negative emotions that this world could offer.

 

          I am in PAIN because I cannot control my heart to feel what it feels. I feel SAD because I lost a very important and special someone. I lost my pillar of strength. I lost my confidante. I lost my mother.  I am FRUSTRATED because I cannot help but be disappointed due to the turning point of events. I am mad, but to whom? I want to blame someone, but who? And I have REGRETS because I know that I was never been a good daughter to her. I am not the ideal daughter that a parent could have. I wish I had been the perfect daughter for her, but I wasnt. If only God turns back the time, if only I could change what happened, maybe things will be different. 

 

          And because of this catastrophic episode of my life, I have learned the best thing in the world; it was when tragedy taught me to put love ahead of everything. 

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love heals all wounds have faith
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