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IF ONLY I COULD TURN BACK THE TIME (para sa taong nasaktan ko)

Article of the website marlene adlit, created on: 12/23/2010 5:17:14 PM

By: MARLENE ADLIT | Published: 23/12/2010 17:24 | | | Content:1

        I dont know what got in to me but I felt like pouring my heart out. Ive been thinking and suffering this for days now. I know that I have hurt a lot of people in the past. I might give a lame excuse that it was one of the childish thing and all. But it is just now that I realize that somehow I need to make amends. I was always being judged and misunderstood. But people dont know me. They think that I am like this and like that but how well do they know me. They know nothing about me. What they see is the superficial outer appearance. No depth, no meaningpurely faade.

        I am so tired on explaining myself to everyone especially when they expect the worst in me and I emerge otherwise. I grew up knowing that we cannot please everybody. No matter how much effort we put in for the people around to appreciate us, it is still futile. Because they made their final judgment and they had given their verdict. It is like being treated a criminal knowing that you are innocent. More so, it doesnt really bother me what these people think of me not until that one unambiguous night. I dont know but I care for the opinion of this one particular person.

        I promised myself that if I will pour this out, I shouldnt cry. But I cant help it. Im not only pouring my thoughts but my emotions as well. People perceive me to be strong, but no one sees me cry. And writing is the only means I have now to unleash the pain I have inside.

        Ang sabi mo nasaktan kita noon, pero gusto kong malaman mo na hindi ako aware sa mga bagay na ginagawa ko noon. The word noon is an operative word--------meaning it happened in the past. Tapos na at nakalipas na. Kung balikan man natin sana sa paraang tinatawanan na lang natin. Im not saying that Im perfect and I made no wrong. Honestly I know that I made and I commit a lot of mistakes in my life. And I believe that it is a part of the learning process. Well maybe a spice to give flavor in my boring life.

        Pero ang issue ko, yung ngayon. This time ako naman ang nasasaktan mo. Hindi ka siguro aware at baka nga hindi mo alam pero ang sakit-sakit pala kapag sao nanggaling. Minsan iniisip ko na sana hindi ka na lang bumalik. Sana hindi na lang kita nakita ulit. At kung alam ko lang na masasaktan ako ng ganito, sana iba na lang yung nakaraan natin. I am not blaming you; I have no right to do that. Ito lang ang alam kong paraan to tell you what I truly feel. Though indirect, at least I tried. Wala naman akong lakas ng loob para sa confrontation. And if ever na malaman mo I will surely deny it. I still have my pride noh.

        Pero ang hirap pala, hindi ko alam na capable ka na paiyakin ako, wala kang kailangang gawin. The mere thought of losing you and never having you, truly hurts. Nakakainis ka kasi nasasaktan mo ako ng ganito. And worst hindi mo alam ang existence ng feelings ko sao. Bakit kasi kailangang may SIYA, sana ako na langsana ako na lang ulit. Pero wala naman akong magagawa di ba. I had my chance once and I blew it. And this is the price I pay.

        Im so sorry, hindi ko alam na all this time minahal pala kita. I know that Im too late but dont worry, I dont have any intention in ruining your harmonious relationship. Just dont stop me to feel the pain. I am shattered, broken into tiny bits of pieces. Allow me to heal and condole for the death of my heart. I know it takes time, yet I know that each time I got to see you; youll only made me cry.

        Alam ko selective ako. Sakit ko na to eh. Pero hindi ko kayang protektahan ang sarili ko para hindi masaktan. Tao lang ako, and vulnerable for that matter. Wala kang kasalanan at wala ka ring kailangang gawin. I made this choice, so be it. Ill bear it with all my heart and soul, kasi nga mahal kita. Ngayon alam mo na.










(para po ito sa taong nasaktan koIm sorry, if only I could turn back the time.)



minsan hindi tayo aware na may nasasaktan na pala tayo, pero hanggat kaya natin mag-sorry at tanggapin na mali tayo, walang gulo sa mundong ito.